Big Feelings

Normally, I like to organize my way out of stress. This time I think I'm going to take a different tact. I like to buy things in bulk (economies of scale and whatnot). The largest bag of flour you can buy at the superstore is 10kgs. So of course that's what I get. My current bag has 4.272 kgs left in it. Less than that actually, as I don't know what the bag weighs. I'm determined to use this bag up before we leave.

This isn't the same stress of waiting for a visa. It has somehow transformed. Being back at work this week was just one more piece of evidence that we are in the beginning of the end. Other pieces include booking flights, ordering luggage, and giving notice on our apartment (that was a big one).

Everyone keeps asking me about my plans, and if I'm excited. I am excited. I tell them that. But I also mention that for the past few days, I've been walking around feeling like I'm about 2 minutes away from a total emotional meltdown.

I feel like Justin and I are slowly deconstructing the life we have spent the last four years building. And we kind of are. Obviously we are not taking apart our whole life, but our apartment, our stuff, our jobs - these are all things we are giving up. I know I am not where I live, what I have, or even what I do, but there is a part of me in all of those things. It's kind of distressing to take direct action towards undoing them. I'm having big feelings about it.

I swear, despite how dark this all may sound I am genuinely excited to go to Australia and do a PhD. That's actually why I'm writing this. Despite my feelings of loss, I don't want to miss out on the excitement of getting ready to go, of starting a new adventure. Plus, maybe some excitement would help motivate me to actually start packing.

So. New stress = new goal. Get through 4.2 kgs of flour in ~6ish weeks, while minimizing additional ingredient purchases. Eyes closed, head first, can't lose!